Breast Practices
Hello baby! Now that you’re on the outside, you’re going to have to learn how to eat for yourself—no more umbilical cord for you, sir. Instead, you’ve been presented with something called a “breast.” Enticing.
But what’s the best approach here? We asked infants from all over about their favorite nursing styles. Here are some pro tips from babies like you:
The Frat Bro: Slap the boob like it’s a bag of Franzia! Flatten it like a milky Capri Sun, good to the last drop. You can take a little disco nap, but don’t stop there—wake up and chug, chug, chug from those flesh-kegs until you splutter and pass out for good.
Cheese Nips: Yank that nipple with your shockingly strong gums, like it’s the end of a steaming, gooey slice of pizza and you’re trying to ‘gram a Goofy Movie–style mozz pull.
The Cocktail Party: You’re a baby of refinement. Pop a cornichon (nipple), pause to chat. Gnaw on some chorizo (the other nipple). No, no, don’t take away the Brie, you were still working on that.
The Fake-Out: Ooh look at you, you’re a sweet little kitten just kneading away, suckling and mewling, making biscuits, so soft, so fluffy, PSYCH YOU HAVE NEEDLE TEETH AND RAZOR CLAWS!
Choose your own adventure, baby!
Art by Natalie Kim
Natalie gained fans online as a comedy writer and voice of the lead characters on YouTube’s Channel Frederator (Adventure Time, Bee & Puppy Cat) animated web series Kimchi Power; about her wacky Korean mother; and as the creator and host of her own show called It’s a Draw with Natalie Kim, interviewing top cartoonists and comedians. Natalie continues to express her creativity through drawing cartoons, which can be found on Medium.
About the Author
Molly O. Kemper (she/her) is a writer, reader, editor, and translator living in New York City. She is also a co-host of the Dead Ladies Show NYC (subscribe to our free Substack and follow us on Instagram for updates: @deadladiesnyc). Photo credit: Sophie Mathewson.
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